Top 8 Things To Never Ever Google, If You Love Yourself
8. Harlequin Fetus.
Admittedly, if someone tells you to Google any
term with the word “fetus” right there in it, you
can sort of tell they’re up to no good. But this is
extreme, even by “fetal photo” standards. The
term refers to a baby born with the congenital
skin disease ichthyosis. By thickening the layer of keratin in a fetus’ skin, it causes rough diamond-
shaped “scales” to appear, limiting the infant’s
movement and making it susceptible to all sorts
of infections. The disorder is always fatal, and
typically infants born suffering from severe
ichthyosis don’t survive for more than a few days. Most of the gross out internet things on this
list can be fun to trick people into viewing, but
harlequin fetuses are incredibly depressing.
7. Blue Waffle.
This is one of those cases where, if you search
with Google’s “Safe Search” mode enabled, you
will simply get some pictures of blueberry
waffles and a few weird PhotoShopped images
of actual blue waffles. But turn “Safe Search” off
and grab hold of something, because you’re about to get a lesson in severe vaginal infections!
In March of 2010, a photo of what appears to be
a woman’s severely infected vagina appeared on
the Internet.
Though it could potentially be an
advanced, particularly gruesome form of
vaginitis, there has been significant speculation
that the image is a fraud and part of an Internet hoax. (No actual women have come forward to
“claim” the photo, and it has yet to appear in any
sort of reputable medical or scientific journal).
Regardless of whether the image is real or not,
it’s still super gross and you definitely shouldn’t
look it up.
6. Kids in a Sandbox
Yet another sexually explicit shock video with an
innocent-sounding (even pleasant) title. The
Internet just can’t seem to get enough of them. This video opens with a woman pleasuring a
man with her hand. So far, so not-permanently-
scarring. But then things take a turn. The woman
takes out a large Romance-Machine and begins to forcibly
place it inside the man’s joystick. Yeah, there, I said
it. Aren’t you glad you just had to read the words and not actually come face-to-face with this
imagery via the magic of Internet search?
5. Mr. Hands
“Mr. Hands” is the professional name of one
Kenneth Pinyan, a former Boeing engineer who
died in 2005 after receiving anal sex from a
horse. The act was intentional, though it
eventually led to the perforation of Pinyan’s colon
and his eventual death. It was also being videotaped by Pinyan’s friend. The incident led to
the immediate passage of a bill in Pinyan’s home
state of Washington, prohibiting both sex with
animals and the videotaping thereof. Pinyan’s death photo is not readily available
online, but there are previous videos made by
Pinyan and his associates widely distributed
under the name “Mr. Hands.” (See, I brought it all
back around.t)
If you’d like to learn more about
the case but in a more artistic way, it is the subject of the actual documentary film “Zoo,”
which debuted at the 2007 Sundance Film
Festival.
4. Eel Girl.
Not the first bestiality-themed video to make this
list, but probably the most horrifying. A video
alternatingly known as “Eel Girl,” “Eel Girls” and,
most troublingly of all, “Eel Soup,” features a duet
of Japanese women and a large collection of eels.
One of the women uses a funnel to insert the eels into the other’s anus, and then eats them after
they are expunged. Filmmaker Paul Campion made a legitimate short
horror movie called “Eel Girl” in 2008, about a
scientist who obsesses about the half-eel/half-
woman creature he’s studying. This is already
succeeding at driving the “other” Eel Girl down
the Google results, which can only be seen as a good thing for unsuspecting searchers.
3.Tub Girl.
Tub Girl is arguably the most infamous image on
the Internet, a title it shares with the entry in the
#2 spot. It stars an overweight Japanese woman
wearing a mask. She’s projecting diarrhea into
the air, and as we all learned from Galileo or
maybe Isaac Newton or somebody… what goes up inevitably comes down. In this case, all over
poor poor Tub Girl. Some have suggested, due to
the orange-ish discoloration of the excrement,
that it may contain materials other than human
f***s. If you would like to know more details
about this controversy, please get off the Internet for a while and do something else. You’ve had
quite enough for now.
You guys definitely don’t wanna see this one.
2. goatse.cx
The vile picture that in many ways defines the
“shock site” craze, the image hosted at Goatse.cx
(commonly referred to simply as “Goatse”
features a Unclad man stretching out his anus
using both hands, and making the interior of his
rectum fully visible. The image (which originally was uploaded with the filename happy.jpg) has
become so well-known and recognizable, any
combination of two hands surrounding a circle
has become a kind of Internet shorthand for it. In
other words, we’re likely doomed as a species.
Reminds me of smellingAnus
1. Hungry B1tches.
2 Girls 1 Cup is actually a trailer for a 2007
Brazilian fetish-themed pornographic film called
“Hungry bitches.” The clip features – just as the
pseudonym implies – 2 women alternatingly
defecating into a cup and then consuming said
excrement. Like “4 Girls Finger Paint,” they also manage to work some vomit in there, just so no
one feels left out. By the Fall of 2007, the footage
was simply everywhere online, and it helped to
kick off the popular trend of “reaction videos” on
YouTube, where people would film themselves
trying to watch “2 Girls 1 Cup” and recording their disgust. Possibly for the benefit of future
generations.
Don’t even go near this one.
